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- Aries: a reality check
- Taurus: a line of coke and a karaoke machine
- Gemini: a slap and a mood stabilizer
- Cancer: a box of tissues and a block of chocolate
- Leo: a room without mirrors
- Virgo: a xanax
- Libra: a backbone
- Scorpio: to be escorted into hell
- Sagittarius: a joint
- Capricorn: to sit still
- Aquarius: to fucking listen
- Pisces: nothing you're a fucking joy